


Wouldn't It Be Nice If We Weren’t Morons?

by lover_of_blue_roses



Series: Stockings 2019 [5]
Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: 'humor', Dork Lovers Server Stocking 2019 (Queen), Gen, Morons, Sass, Shenanigans, Swearing, boxing day celebrations, dry dry sass, just what i think to be funny commentary the whole time, post hot space reconciliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:02:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22045300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lover_of_blue_roses/pseuds/lover_of_blue_roses
Summary: Due to the disaster that was hot space, Deaky is determined to patch things up by having the best Christmas ever with the band but what to buy people who have everything and loads of money? If only some spare brain cells was an option.
Relationships: John Deacon & Brian May & Freddie Mercury & Roger Taylor, background john/veronica
Series: Stockings 2019 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1576186
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19
Collections: DL Stockings 2019





	Wouldn't It Be Nice If We Weren’t Morons?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Em_1](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Em_1/gifts).



Deaky's plan was simple in theory, it would be the execution that would be tough. The band would be celebrating Christmas with their families and boxing together this year, so it had to be the best boxing day of their lives. They would realise how much they loved each other and how much they meant to each other, and decide not to break up the band but rather to spend their whole lives together. 

Not that Roger and Freddie could never do solo albums again but fewer maybe. They'd do this next album together and it would be a great success, and even if only out of greed, they'd stay together. 

For this plan to work, Deaky had to somehow host the bestest, greatest, yet appropriate party ever. If only he could buy a pound of crack and get some strippers to make his problems go away but alas, he was like a responsible adult now or something. 

Brian, partly because he's a nosy fucker -I've been told it's called 'caring'- and partly because he's smart, had figured out that Deaky was up to something, and so he had been let into the plan. Brian had thought the goal was good as he hadn't like their growing fractures either but he felt the plan was less than ideal. Seeing how Bri's strength was more booksmarts and most importantly he didn't have an alternatively -moping about sad doesn't count- he could stick his opinion where the sun doesn't shine and just help Deaky out. 

They were hosting the party at Freddie's newly purchased, newly renovated house. Not only was it the biggest and the most central, it also conveniently came with Phoebe and Joe and without wives or children. Joe and Phoebe like most people were going to 'enjoying' Christmas with their families or at least not working. They would, however, be present for boxing day as honestly Freddie was more family than their blood. 

Nothing says being a good Christian, you know who's holy scripture is all like 'If anyone does not provide for their relatives, especially of their household, they deny the faith and are worse than an unbeliever,' like treating your fellow homosexual relatives like nuisance that must be endured. But like go off or whatever. Christ -no pun indeed- Deaky was so lucky he dodged a bullet by having been born straight. 

Anyways, since Joe was capable and could be trusted, he'd be in charge of the boxing day dinner, which was traditionally light anyways after having been stuffed like little piglets for dearest JC's birthday. 

While Freddie's Garden Lodge would already be decorated for Christmas, it was Deaky's plan to get Phoebe to reduce and lighten it next day. This would also help give a different and distinct feeling to that day. Since Freddie's house already looked like the lastest in mode and an antique store had had a sexy baby, just small but tasteful touches should be enough. 

With location, decoration and food taken care of this left only one thing. Thankfully, being a guy, John could also dodge that fashion expectation bullet by showing up in the same suit he's worn since he was twenty-five and one of the nice ties Freddie got him. No need to think about whether his shoes matched his dress or if his necklace complemented his bracelet. 

No the one thing that was left was the most important one; presents. It could, and undoubted had at least once by Roger, be argued that the focus on material goods rather than familial bonds was the evil of capitalism; presents would make Freddie happy and that was good enough for Deaky. And Freddie didn't even care that much how expensive or fancy his presents were, even though he did like the finer things in life, he cared more about how the present reflected how well the gift-giver knew and cared for him. 

But that meant it wasn't going to be easy to think of and find a gift for Freddie to say nothing of everyone else. So Deaky and Brian brainstormed ideas of what they might get at least the two other members of the band. It was a difficult challenge as they were all rich and could get themselves anything they wanted at anytime. At least this Boxing Day planning was already accomplishing part of Deaky's goals. It was making him spend more time with his band mate, sure did they spend all that time bitching at each other's dumb suggestions, maybe, but that's not the point, the point is they did it together, while wearing Santa hats. And truly spending time sniping with those closest to you is what the holidays are all about. 

Eventually they did agree on what to get for the drummer and pianist, which they could have technically called the percussionists but everytime Roger heard a piano called a percussion instrument his rage burned like the sun, and Brian had instead dubbed Queen's 'hot half.' Deaky felt like his more approachable, softer nature was being overlooked due to Roger and Freddie's more animalistic draw but he didn't feel the need to argue this because he knew he was right. While he was happily married now, he remembers fondly his queue of lovely groupies. 

Regardless of what they were calling them, they had decided that Freddie: was getting a rigged automatic winder for his grandfather clock from Deaky and an astrological birth chart from Brian. Brian thought that astrology was completely garbage and nothing could be more incorrect, but Freddie found it fun and interesting and Brian could at least track down what celestial bodies had been above Freddie during his birth. 

Roger was 'easier' in that he liked flashy, contemporary, stuff. As funny as it would be to get Roger a monthly pass at the car wash knowing very well that only hand washing, generally done by the Mr. 'Do I even get paid enough for this' Crystal, was good enough for his precious Lamb. 

They had decided on a real -not even a replicate from the new line- 1964 Fender Stratocaster from Brian for Roger's guitar collection and a pair of white leather bespoke shoes from Deaky. 

Phoebe, bless him and his big heart, said he only wanted Freddie and everyone to be happy this Christmas. Which was cool and all but never very helpful and Deaky was tempted to get him some itchy wool socks. They were probably going to get him a weighted blanket and a heating blanket, one for his bed and one for the couch, because that soft man loves all that cozy shit. 

Joe was an easy to please man and two tickets to the rugby for him and his Beau would make him over-the-moon thrilled. Brian was not to be trusted to buy those as he knew nearly as little about sports as Freddie. His other gift, the one 'from' Brian, would be that camera strap he'd been drooling about last time Brian tried to convert him into stereoscopic photography. 

Jim Hutton was complicated. Not in that he didn't want anything but in that his interests were so rich and varied it was hard to just pick one thing. Jim, before changing careers from being a barber, partook in carpentry and gardening, showed in interested in all aspects of landscaping, model trains and so on. But this was the first good man to love Freddie so they had to do it right. 

Brian thought to get him not only appliques to spruce up the furniture he made in various floral and arabesque motives, but also the wrap around kind for more three-dimensional shapes should Jim ever decide to pick up whittling / wood carving. Jim was a man that liked to be kept busy, always something to do, always something to try; and say a large wood sculpture would bridge Freddie's taste of wanting a giant marble fountain and Jim fair humbler taste. 

John had been tempted to buy some of the du-color tulip bulbs he saw in the Netherlands. Trouble was that the Garden Lodge's garden, as the name might suggests, was finely maintained and if John bought colors from the wrong theme, he could fuck it all up. Jim would feel obligated to plant them as they were a gift and then the whole vibe of the garden would be wrong. That was just too much pressure. 

John stuck with the idea that was better to get something that couldn't really just be found in a regular store. So rather than a flowering plant, from one of his neighbors, with whom he and his wife tried to have normal suburban dinner party guest relationships, he got with permission seeds to their blue-ribbon winning tomatoes. Which would if nothing else be delicious. 

Queen's Bassist had been told to come and pick up Roger's present of a fancy guitar on the 19th which was a mere seven days before it was to be given but that was technically fine and doable. London became a madhouse as people cluttered the street with their cars and on foot, as well as the public transit. But seven days was practically an age, a whole week in fact. And what was there for John to worry about after all he had gotten this present ordered. 

And then you know what happened? As it always seems to happen to those that have done little wrong and are just trying to do right in the world- He arrived into the store, receipt in hand showing that what he had paid and for what, to be told they had no record of his purchase and that they had already sold the item. John didn't lean over and strangle the clerk because he remembers working in retail and is well aware that the man isn't the reason for this fuck up, but he is sorely tempted. Now what?

No murder nor assault was committed on a poor clerk but Deaky returned home in a foul mood. Only to hear that Brian had been trying on coat his wife would like to purchase for Christmas and he had left Freddie's present in the changing room. The store was closed by the time the 'I have a Masters in Physics, I know what I'm doing' had realized his fuck up and so they have to call back next morning first thing and hope it would be there and not stolen. 

It wasn't like it was a present for one of his closest and best friend, who had literally fuckin' wrote him a song called soul brother. Maybe Deaky had been wrong and he should just abandon their lot up shitcreek without himself as their paddle. 

He didn't though, partly because he's a good friend and for whatever reason actually likes these morons and partly because he was too old to join another band and his singing voice far too shitty to go solo. 

Roger had also had shopping woes, he'd been out in the crowds and they had overwhelmed him and stressed him to all fuck so he had come to bitch and vent on Deaky's couch. He didn't really calm down until Deaky place one of his children on top of him. At first Roger just cleaned up his language a little but then got lost cooing at the adorable sight and being called 'Uncle Rog'. 

Roger however remained rather pathetic and so Deaky explained his own problems without saying it was for Roger's present and then about Brian's. So that was how five days before Christmas Roger found out about their 'Hot Space was Shitty, Let's still Love Each Other' plan which he agreed was a good idea if not too long of a name. 

While their drummer appreciated this effort to close the widening gaps, he had run into the same problem as them. What to get people who had everything, mostly importantly money that could buy anything?

And yet Roger continues to his old tried and true point that the literal ideas or their value wasn't actually important, only that it showed the giver as thoughtful.

As much as Deaky would have liked Christmas and its subsequent Boxing day to be delayed for them to get their shit together, it came relentlessly. Christmas with his family was nice because they were only at his parents for lunch and her's for dinner, so they got to spend the whole morning with the kids. Children were really the best, not just because they loved him so unconditionally, but because they were so easy to please.

The problem wasn't what to buy them for Christmas, it was just what to leave off. They all got fancy toys although some of them were at such a stage that they enjoyed more ripping the paper off more than the actual content. 

And the best part was that once they had thoroughly enjoyed their toys, they were absolutely pooped. Quiet and barely moving throughout the noon meal and into the afternoon until their mother made them have nap time. They woke up like they'd been filled with lighting and then were good enough to be horrifying shits with his in-laws. Really a great day. 

His wife had gotten him a few, rather forgettable things, but honestly her love and affection was all that he wanted and he got that in spades. She was the mother of his greatest treasures and devoted herself selflessly and tirelessly while he was off working for their money. It wasn't perfect but it was his and it was love. 

-  
The good news was that when he arrived to Freddie's everything was equally as perfect the author wrote sarcastically in a comedy story. 

In no way was the first thing John experience when crossing the Garden Lodge threshold the site of a cat stuck in the christmas tree with glass bulbs scattered on the floor and Phoebe, who had to be wearing the most hideous sweater the 80's have ever produced tried not to let the giant 3 meter tree tip over and fall, surely crushing the presents at its base. While he witnessed this, Brian was whispering urgently about having accidently exposed Joe's leather present to a puddle. John was about to expose him to his fist. 

Instead he shoved all his presents under the coat rack, didn't bother to kick off his boots and trekked the rainy London winter weather over to help Phoebe. He wasn't just being a dick, making a mess in Freddie's lovely home; he just didn't particularly want a glass shard in his foot for one of Freddie's little hellion fur baby. 

He yanked the cat unsympathetically from the tree, rugby carrying the shit under his arm while Phoebe quickly made it seem as though nothing had happened, straightening and redressing the tree. "Looks like you've had a lot of practice with this," he commented dryly. 

"That's why we normally keep the door closed, they do this all the time," Phoebe said as though this was no imposition.

"Should have gotten him plastic bulbs for his tree then," John says rather than insult the cats that clearly can't help themselves. Phoebe makes him get out of his boot right there rather than walk back to the door and everything is mopped up.

He goes to the kitchen were they are all drinking mulled wine, unaware of the cat shenanigans. Joe is there so Deaky sees no reason not to turn to him and say, "Brian fucked up your Christmas gift, he's very sorry, he'll make it right but that's not possible today so you'll have to wait."

Brian squawks insulted as though he was going to figure out a solution on Boxing Day in thirty minutes before they were to open presents. Joe, because he's apparently an adult unlike Brian, understands. To which Deaky just rose a sassy eyebrow to. Not the best way to heal the riff but if Deaky acted all nice, Brian might expect that behavior all the time. A promise to never write so many disco tracks that didn't include Brian's guitaring was really the best he could promise. 

Which is how the day continued, nothing had really changed and yet everything had. They had hurt each other so badly but now that was done with and over, they were trying to heal the hurts and never do it again. They had come out of the whole debacle having learned not only how not to behave, but how much they valued each other. Their friendship was far more treasured than any music or album could ever be. And what day to try this than Christmas -well Boxing Day, but that would have to be close enough.


End file.
